09/14/2024

Not a lot of people look through my main site, so I feel comfortable sharing this here. Even if people did, maybe it's okay that I share.

I'm so extremely depressed lately. I can't find motivation to do anything other than crochet or knit. I've been sitting in the same spot on my couch for... what, weeks? A month? Months...? I don't even know now. I'm in too much pain to do much of anything else. And when I don't feel as much pain, everyone is busy and we don't have time to do anything. On top of that, I'm terrified of having the biopsy done on my thyroid. I don't mind finding out whether or not I have cancer, that part I can live with. Thyroid cancer is a simple procedure to fix. ...As long as there aren't metastases. But the biopsy part... That part is scary. I don't want to be conscious while a bunch of needles get jammed into my throat.

My appointment with my endocrinologist is on Wednesday. I don't trust this guy, he's kinda just someone who talks without listening. During my last visit he talked for damn near an hour about the same three things (things I already knew) and the appointment was almost over before he realized I wasn't on medication, and I had to ask him several times before he even touched my neck. He wouldn't have even ordered the ultrasound. I really don't trust him to be competent or even have good bedside manner.

When I'm feeling this way, I like to think about fungi. This song helps me a lot:

Fungi and mycology help keep me grounded. Mushrooms remind me that a small detail does not necessarily make up the whole. It's like the tip of the iceberg, like... Like it's okay that I feel this way in the moment, but none of this is the entirety of me, and I'm not the entirety of humanity. It reminds me that, ultimately, none of this matters.

You'd think that wouldn't be comforting. Usually it is, very much so. Like, none of this means anything, but I'm allowed to assign my own meaning because of that. The lack of meaning is ultimately the most freeing thing you can have, because life isn't prescriptive, it's not pre-determined. I'm in control.

I don't feel like I have any control right now, though. I feel helpless. I don't get to control my own happiness right now. Honestly, ultimately, the thing that would give me the most amount of happiness would be just getting to go outside, maybe spread out a blanket, and crochet until the sun sets. That sounds like a perfect day. Even better if I could bring some friends who are doing the same thing. No one talking over me to talk only about themselves, no one minimizing my sadness, just friends crocheting and having a picnic on a nice day.

I've just gotta keep remembering the mushrooms.

07/26/2024

This site was, quite frankly, jank. It's time for an update, I think. So, here's an update! This site should now be viewable regardless of the resolution as well as much cleaner on my end to update.

A huge reason I have for wanting a cleaner and more viewable layout is because I've been spending a lot of time looking at other people's sites, and I want to do some of these projects as well! I love the concept of pixel clubs, or making my own adopts! There's more fun to be had than the previous site layout would allow me. The code was messy, it only looked good on my monitor, and in general it just read as baby's first site. It's time for an upgrade!

So yeah, here's the new site layout! Enjoy!